Today I watched Anohana,
which is a sad and beautiful story about a boy and friends who seek to grant the wish of a ghost.
I would definitely recommend it to anyone who hasn’t seen it!
In a way, it made me realize something about my own life.
I’m a ghost. Not literally of course, at least I hope not… I don’t believe in ghosts!
However, I have had one near-death experience.
I misjudged distance and pulled out in front of a semi, and I was nearly side-swiped.
Sometimes I think back to it and wonder if it actually did hit me, perhaps in an alternate universe or something like that…
Lately I have been feeling sad.
I realized that the reason I have been feeling sad is because it’s like I’m not really here.
I never disliked being alone before. I was always alone, and I felt the most comfortable when I was alone.
If I didn’t feel that way, I wouldn’t have ended up a hikikomori.
This lifestyle happens because it is a comfortable way to live, and there is not enough pressure to change it.
However, I’ve become so isolated from the rest of the world that it feels like I’m not really here anymore.
I’m lucky enough to have a few close friends on IRC, but there is an empty feeling in me.
I feel like I should be off living my life like everyone else, but instead I’m cooped up in here, alone and unchanging.
I am almost 20 years old now and I am worried that my life is wasting away before my eyes, and I’m too paralyzed by fear to do anything about it.
I still have one friend IRL, but he is very busy and we’ve drifted apart.
I only see him when he comes to visit me, which is at most a few hours a week.
When he does come over, we only play video games.
I feel like we’ve grown distant and we can’t really have deep conversations anymore.
There is a great urge in me to get to know people IRL.
However, it seems like the only way that could happen would be to rejoin society.
I don’t want to live like this forever, but I don’t really know how to change.
I’ve never had a job, and I don’t know what I would want to do.
I don’t want to burden my parents with the expenses of studying language overseas, but I also still have a strong distaste for traditional schooling.
Ultimately, my social phobia holds me back.
Although I lead a carefree life, and can sleep whenever I choose, I am damned to be a restless soul.