Today I had an epiphany regarding my feelings towards relationships. I am most comfortable as a recluse, possibly due to psychological problems such as social anxiety disorder. Beyond this, I have found comfort in friendships over IRC, which encompasses my zone of comfort.
Relationships have an interesting connotation of spatiality attached to them. I particularly like the analogy of the hedgehog’s dilemma. To quote wikipedia:
“It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.”
It is a disgusting feeling to become obsessive over another person. The heart, very much like the penis, has a mind of its own. By seeking a close reciprocal relationship I have found myself in a state of agony and obsession.
My epiphany that I have had is over the nature of whether a closer relationship is truly something that should be sought after. I think my problem is that I have objectified the idea of platonic love. It is easy to get caught up in the shallow pleasures granted from a materialistic world. The distinction between “want” and “need” is sometimes not very clear, but trying to satisfy the “want” form of desire, albeit pleasurable to satisfy, does not yield anything greater than what is gained from the pursuit of the “need.” Two simple examples spring to mind in my own life.
The first, Microsoft Windows, is something that I find myself forgetting exists after having used GNU/Linux for years. However, when I first dabbled with Linux I never would have dreamed that there would be a day when it would be all that I used. There are many excuses to keep Windows around, and giving it up involved sacrifices in the software I run, and years of learning. Despite this, I find now that I am no less happy without it, infact I am happier!
My second example is Youtube. I stopped watching TV a very long time ago, but I only filled that void with Youtube. I subscribed to hundreds of channels and watched content as if it were a full time job. Shows like Game Grumps became a huge part of my life, I’m wearing a Game Grumps t-shirt right now! “Addiction” is the most appropriate word to describe what Youtube had become in my life. My recent feelings have distracted me enough from my usual life that I stopped watching youtube nearly altogether.
I think that I objectified the idea of Platonic love, and it became a “want.”
I threw myself out of my comfort zone to try to get close out of a want for something I didn’t truly need.
The problem at its core is that a relationship SHOULDN’T be objectified, they are things that inevitably happen (or don’t) on their own accord.
For this reason, it would be better for me to not try to make new relationships and instead focus on living my life and being happy for what I have.
I think I’ll get over it :)